Random, Lost, Depressing Thoughts

Disclaimer

I'm going to step away from my usual blogging habits and post something a little more bizarre and a lot less entertaining than usual. You are more than welcome to stop reading right now, really. I just felt like letting all my thoughts out would help me organize them, and maybe have a clue as to what I am feeling right now.

Thoughts

When I arrived home a couple weeks ago, it was a little strange. Most things were the way I had left them, my family, my friends, my home, etc. However, I felt sort of out of place. It was weird to get in my car just to go to the grocery store, or any other small errand. Talking to a cashier in English threw me off. I couldn't remember how to work my old phone. Going to sleep early and waking up even earlier was such a pain. The list went on and on.

I was experiencing reverse culture shock. It sounds so ridiculous to be shocked by your own culture. It's not like the entire time I was in Bordeaux I was feeling like it was my culture. I knew reverse culture shock existed, but I didn't think it was common and furthermore that it would happen to me.

I finally got adjusted to life in California 2011. I enjoyed spending time with my family and friends, listening to "new" music on the radio, taking in as much of my favorite foods as possible, going outdoors because the warm sun was too irresistible and sleeping in.

Coming home was truly a blast. Even when I was just lounging around in my sweat pants at home, I felt so content to be home. Now I am questioning going back. I know I have to. I want to, I do, but at the same time I don't. I don't want to miss my parents and Pierre and my friends and everything that I associate with home. Being homesick is arguably one of the worst feelings in the world. That is why I am sitting up at 1 am on a Friday night writing the world's longest blog. When I think about those feelings to come, I feel so lost. Home will be thousands of miles, an ocean, and several languages away.

Yes, I realize how selfish I am being complaining about having to return to France. It's ridiculous. However, I also wonder what it would be like if I hadn't come home. I look at all the things my friends in Bordeaux have been doing and I feel so left out. Their lives have been continuing and changing as well. In the three weeks I've been gone, they have improved their language skills, formed new friendships and closer bonds to existing friendships, and experienced the holidays in a different way.

Okay, I know, I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I can't be in two places at the same time. But I feel like whichever route I take, I will be miserable. Glass half empty, anyone? If I stayed at home, I would hate myself forever for staying. However, when I return I will have to go through immersion, home sickness, and possibly culture, shock all over again.

I just wish I could pull myself out of this slump and enjoy my last days in California and my first days back in France rather than wallowing in self-pity. Well, if you're still reading this, you're a trooper, and thanks for listening. I am open to advice.