Disclaimer
I'm going to step away from my usual blogging habits and post something a little more bizarre and a lot less entertaining than usual. You are more than welcome to stop reading right now, really. I just felt like letting all my thoughts out would help me organize them, and maybe have a clue as to what I am feeling right now.
Thoughts
When I arrived home a couple weeks ago, it was a little strange. Most things were the way I had left them, my family, my friends, my home, etc. However, I felt sort of out of place. It was weird to get in my car just to go to the grocery store, or any other small errand. Talking to a cashier in English threw me off. I couldn't remember how to work my old phone. Going to sleep early and waking up even earlier was such a pain. The list went on and on.
I was experiencing reverse culture shock. It sounds so ridiculous to be shocked by your own culture. It's not like the entire time I was in Bordeaux I was feeling like it was my culture. I knew reverse culture shock existed, but I didn't think it was common and furthermore that it would happen to me.
I finally got adjusted to life in California 2011. I enjoyed spending time with my family and friends, listening to "new" music on the radio, taking in as much of my favorite foods as possible, going outdoors because the warm sun was too irresistible and sleeping in.
Coming home was truly a blast. Even when I was just lounging around in my sweat pants at home, I felt so content to be home. Now I am questioning going back. I know I have to. I want to, I do, but at the same time I don't. I don't want to miss my parents and Pierre and my friends and everything that I associate with home. Being homesick is arguably one of the worst feelings in the world. That is why I am sitting up at 1 am on a Friday night writing the world's longest blog. When I think about those feelings to come, I feel so lost. Home will be thousands of miles, an ocean, and several languages away.
Yes, I realize how selfish I am being complaining about having to return to France. It's ridiculous. However, I also wonder what it would be like if I hadn't come home. I look at all the things my friends in Bordeaux have been doing and I feel so left out. Their lives have been continuing and changing as well. In the three weeks I've been gone, they have improved their language skills, formed new friendships and closer bonds to existing friendships, and experienced the holidays in a different way.
Okay, I know, I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I can't be in two places at the same time. But I feel like whichever route I take, I will be miserable. Glass half empty, anyone? If I stayed at home, I would hate myself forever for staying. However, when I return I will have to go through immersion, home sickness, and possibly culture, shock all over again.
I just wish I could pull myself out of this slump and enjoy my last days in California and my first days back in France rather than wallowing in self-pity. Well, if you're still reading this, you're a trooper, and thanks for listening. I am open to advice.
Ma chérie, I'm sorry you're feeling down in the dumps. But it's completely normal. Remember how lost we felt in the beginning of our time here? Adjusting to new things is really hard, even if it's your own culture that you've known your whole life. Just remember that this experience in Bordeaux is something that you will carry with you your whole life, and that's not something everyone can say- we are truly lucky. Your friends (me included !) will be here to welcome you back with open arms :) t'inquiete pas! je t'aime!
ReplyDeleteSara, I feel you. I went through the exact same thing. Spending a year in Taiwan, i started missing california life around Christmas time and thanksgiving. my grandmother passed away, my sisters had their birthday's, etc... so there so many things that i felt i had "left behind at home" and i was really missing california. because i had no money to come back during the winter break, it made my stay in Taiwan so much more awkward since i went there speaking no mandarin what so ever, and by that time.. it had only improved very little. i felt like i wanted to just quit and come home. it was that bad. but i had no choice. i was stuck in Taiwan.
ReplyDeleteLittle did i know that it was also the best thing that ever happened to me (being stuck in Taiwan). because i really learned to love the country and everything about it. the people, the food, the culture, and music, the ideas, etc etc... same as you are currently experiencing in France. 5 months before coming back to California, i was ready to leave Taiwan. but about 2-3 months before coming back... i really started to change my mind. I loved everything about Taiwan and my mind did a 360 degree on me. i suddenly didn't want to leave any more and i was dreading the last few weeks.
by then I've made so many friends and learned so much about myself that i didn't want to stop. but there was nothing i could do, i was coming home.
when i first got back, i was 30lb's thinner tan when i left, i could speak and understand another language, and my sense of what was important to me was different. i felt out of place. and the first 2-3 months was really hard for me. all i could think about was going back to Taiwan. but i didn't have that option. so for me, what really helped was taking a mandarin class at sac state that also included a student from Korea who was also studying mandarin as her foreign language as well as English. so it gave me a little bit of the same feeling of being in Taiwan without being in Taiwan. we became friends, hung out, we shared stories. etc... etc...
now she's in boston on vacation and will be going back to Korea soon. and I was really glad that i had a friend like her to kind of talk to and listen to me since she was understanding of me coming back from Taiwan since she too spent a 6 months in mainland china at a University in Beijing. so she understood what it ment to love a mandarin speaking country.
dont get me wrong, i love being an american, i love america! but life is different. it's harder to get around here. u have to drive everywhere (which i hate cuz i enjoyed using the metro system that they had in Taiwan) and the Buses were more effient. but the only thing keeping me looking forward is knowing that my goals and my dreams are in line with my plan to going back to an asian speaking country such as taiwan, or korea, to live there, to do business there, to be successful there. because without those dreams, i wouldn't know where my heart would be. i think you understand what im saying. life is different everywhere you live, it's your goals and dreams what set you apart and helps your organizes your thoughts and feelings.
I know you got this on lock. the situation that is. you made the decision to live in France for a year and its a big decision! so now, you have to realize that it's time to organize how you're going to transition back into American life style by sitting down and maybe writing some new goals for yourself for the future that are realistic and achievable. include some thoughts such as how to get back to Bordeaux. this way, when you get back to California...you have a plan to follow and can hit the ground running. GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND!
-Johnny pang
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